Why is my boyfriend so mean (7 ways to deal with it)

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Hey, my friend, need help?

Let me guess, your boyfriend has been mean and cruel to you lately, so you are now googling and looking for some practical tips on how to deal with his anger? Am I right?

Good for you, you’ve found exactly what you need. 

Trust me, I’ve been there. No, really, I was blindly in love with the sweetest guy, but there were times when he would be so mean, that I just wanted to smack him. (Just between us, I did several times, lol)

So, to help you I gathered some very helpful tips that helped me a lot. Apply them now and you will see that your mean boyfriend will be a lot more easy to handle.

Ready? Let’s dive in!

1) Try to spot the anger early. 

“Spot the anger?  Is she serious? I am not a psychic!” you may think now, but trust me, the best way to deal with anger is to prevent it from coming up. 

Look at it this way, his anger is actually in some kind of a call for help. Behind his mean words, grumpy expressions, there is a deep hurt, underdeveloped self-esteem and a lack of love for himself. He is actually saying that he needs your help and understanding.

Yes, men can be vulnerable too. 

How to predict his mood?

For starters, pay attention to his behaviors as well as his actions day by day, and eventually you will be able to overcome the anger easily. 

So, as soon as you can spot those warning signs, you almost learn how to conquer the beast.  

Sounds easy, yeah?

2) Remain calm and do not overreact. 

It’s pretty obvious once you think about it, if you start to fight and get angry, you will only make things worse. So, what’s the point, right?

Follow these tactics and you’ll be good:

First, the main rule here is to think before speaking. 

Yes, t-h-i-n-k, girl. 

Just remain calm, breath, count to ten.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi…

Another really helpful tactic is to attempt to use humor. Remember that humor is a great tool to ease the tension, to cool down tempers of both of you. 

And aim jokes at the situation or yourself, not at him, otherwise I am not responsible for the consequences. 

What’s more, it’s really important to manage your own emotions. I know, sometimes all you want to do is to scream at him or even punch him back, but restrain yourself. Just keep in mind that your words, your reaction can trigger him badly. 

Again, one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi…

3) Talk to him. 

It’s not a secret that communication is a key to open doors to any conflict resolution. 

If you have a problem with your boyfriend, always start the discussion with a kind word, even if he hurts you.

It really is that simple, a simple heart-to-heart conversation is all you need. 

And remember, you shouldn’t start with harsh words or let him know that he has hurt you in any way.

I know it’s really hard to hold your tongue, especially when you are really angry at him, but try to think about it: what will happen if you lash out at him? 

But how to start talking?

Well, glad you asked. There are some guidelines that you should follow when talking to someone you are angry with. 

So stick with me here and let’s get down to business. 

  • Make sure the timing is right when talking to him. Don’t try to argue with him when he is drunk or enraged. Seriously, you will only make him angrier and it won’t bring a positive effect to your relationship. The most effective time for a discussion is when he isn’t upset, angry, but relaxed and listening to you carefully. Trust me on this one. 
  • Make him emotionally safe. Listen and respond actively, let him know that you understand and support him. If you are angry, don’t let him see it. You can do this by using kind, calm and friendly expressions or even pretend that everything is all right. Try not to talk about anything negative or touchy in the first place. 
  • Offer help. As I said before, his meanness and anger is the call for help. It is important to offer help and support to the person you want to help. This will give him confidence and make him feel that he won’t be alone. 
  • Be honest with him and tell how you feel. It’s important to share your feelings too. 

And… done! 

Well, almost! 

4) Show that he’s being mean to you. 

Unexpected fact, some people don’t recognize that they are being mean to us! 

How is it possible? 

Well, we are human after all. If a guy is being mean to you, he doesn’t always see it and often can’t tell what his actions mean to you.

So, if you want to tell him that his behavior hurts you, the first thing to do is to show him that his actions have an impact on your life, like this example: “I can understand that you are upset with me and feel angry and hurt, but why don’t you choose another way of expressing that?”

Or “I know how it hurts when someone says something hurtful to you and I really want to be there for you right now.

Maybe setting some warning signs like tapping his hand or shoulder, saying ‘safe word’ to let him know that he’s being rude

The trick here is to let him know that what he’s doing to you is not cool. 

Just wait, I have some more useful tips for you on how to deal with a mean guy.

5) Define and set the boundaries. 

Honestly, it is important to set your boundaries with him. 

You know, it’s like in any children’s game – you have to say when it’s enough.

It works the same in relationships. Your boundaries are those things that you will not accept from him. Define them and admit them to yourself, and the next step is to let your boyfriend know what they are. 

For example, don’t allow insults or name calling, don’t use curse words to each other, no yelling, and of course don’t allow physical attacks. 

Believe me, this will make him much more careful with his actions and words around you. 

And don’t forget that your boundaries can change, as time goes by because our needs also change, so do not be afraid to clarify them.

6) Give him some space. 

The most important thing to do when he is being mean to you, is to give him some space. 

Fact is, one of the worst things you can do for your mean boyfriend, is to try to get through it or to get back at him with his own words. 

Don’t show that you are hurt; instead, let him know that you can handle his mood swings with elegance and grace.

Yes, it may take some time, but if he sees that you are okay despite his bad deeds, it will help him deal with his anger issues.

And last but not least…


7) Get real with yourself!

Some people cannot be changed, so it’s useless to try. 

Listen to yourself, to your guts, to your feelings!

If you feel that your boyfriend isn’t going to change for the better, maybe it’s time for you to understand that this relationship will only make you suffer. Don’t feel bad about it, you are not a God after all. 

You cannot change him, so you should take control over your life, because you are the best and you deserve the best! 

And since it’s time for you to move on and find your own happiness, let me tell you another big secret – you actually can predict the future! 

Well, maybe not the future of the whole world but at least you’ll be able to spot another mean guy.

But how? 

Well, easy peasy lemon squeezy!

Bear with me, because I’m going to show all RED FLAGS that you should look out for next time: 

1) He made you second-guessing his feelings about you.

If you find yourself thinking if he is actually into you, if it’s for real or your relationships are just a fun game to him, it’s definitely a red flag.

Run away now!

2) Lack of trust.

Trust is everything in any relationship. And honestly, if you and your partner don’t trust each other, can you tell if your relationship is healthy

3) He makes you feel bad about yourself.

Red flag!

If your boyfriend says to you that you are not as smart, good looking or interesting as other girls and that he won’t want to be with you if you weren’t his girl, don’t get upset. 

First, slap him. 

Nah, joking here. But really, tell him that his actions are unacceptable and after that break up immediately. 

The point is if he doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, if he doesn’t compliment your effort, it means that he doesn’t appreciate you as a person and only sees what is wrong with it. 

4) He doesn’t listen to you. 

If you tell him something and he doesn’t listen or even if he contradicts you, this means that he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say.

Also, if your boyfriend is always late for dates (consider the fact that most likely is your fault), or the way he treats you isn’t very respectful, it’s a bad sign.

This is the part where you already dumped the guy, but if you are still hesitating, keep reading.

5) He doesn’t support your goals. 

If you have some big dreams or plans, and your boyfriend does not support you, it’s the worst thing this can be. 

Imagine that you are trying so hard to achieve big things in life, but if he doesn’t believe in you. 

Do you actually need to be with someone like him?

6) He doesn’t try to communicate with your friends or family.

Honestly, if your boyfriend doesn’t want to meet or talk with your friends and family, you should be really, really, REALLY worried. This could signal that he is controlling you. 

Are you okay with this?

7) Your relationships with family or friends have gone bad. 

Here’s the deal, if you always have conflicts with your family or friends, if they are always angry, suspicious and jealous of the time you spend together with him and if he is always trying to get you back, it is a clear sign that he can’t take responsibility.

I mean, aren’t your loved ones supposed to get along, are they?

8) He’s jealous. 

For sure, a little jealousy might be what you want. However, if you start to feel that he is showing jealousy over anything, even if it’s just something silly, like another guy is looking at you, or if he always checks your phone or things like that, this could be a sign of obsessive behavior.

9) He doesn’t want you to have friends.

If your boyfriend doesn’t want you to hang out with anyone except him and wants to spend every minute with you, this is a bad sign. He obviously can’t handle your independence and trust issues.

But that’s not the end.

Here’s some more.

10) Describes all his exes as ‘crazy bitches’. 

Think about it this way, of course there are supposed to be some issues between your exes, however, if he is constantly saying that all of them were psycho and crazy, what does it tell you?

Hmm…not good things.

Can you be sure that all of them were that bad? It’s a sign that you might be his next ‘crazy ex’.

11) You don’t talk about the future. 

Frankly speaking, if you and your boyfriend are just enjoying the moment and don’t talk about what you want to do next, it’s a sign that he doesn’t see your future together. 

True story.

12) He’s unnecessarily mean to you or insults you.

If your boyfriend is nasty to you all the time, there is a huge chance that he has anger problems. 

And if he tells you off or calls you names like ugly, fat or stupid, it means that he really has something against yourself. 

Come on, is it really worth it?

13) He never introduces his friends.

The bottom line is if he doesn’t want you to meet his friends, it means that he is insecure about your relationship. 

Or maybe you are not ‘the one’?

14) He lies a lot. 

If your boyfriend is always lying to you and to everyone else, especially if he pretends that nothing’s wrong and that everything is going fine when in fact things are not so fine, it means that you might be dealing with an unstable person. 

15) It’s all about him. 

If everything is all about him, if he only cares about how he feels and how others treat him, this is a sign that he is an egomaniac. 

In other words, he is not going to make you a priority in his life.

16) Check out other people or even cheat on you. 


If you find out that he is cheating on you, is looking at other girls all the time or is having an emotional affair with his co-worker, this is a sign of an abusive relationship.

Run, Forest, Run! 

17) He threatens to break up with you all the time.

Is he threatening to break up with you constantly? Break with him first as this is his way to manipulate and control you. 

So what does all this mean? In a nutshell, if your relationship is filled with any of these red flags, it means that you should break up with him. 

Yes, this is easy to say, but most of the time it’s hard to do. But believe me, I was in a toxic relationship for years, I know what it feels like, and I am here to tell you that it’s not worth it. 

In fact, it could be best to end things right instead of waiting for him to change. However little hope that I had in my heart that one day everything will be okay, it made me hung on for several years.

Because you want to believe that he loves you, but actually he doesn’t. And you want to think that it’s all just a misunderstanding, but in fact it’s not. 

Sorry for the reality check, but I think you should come to your senses now. If he has at least some of the abovementioned ‘warning signs’, there is a good chance that you need to break up with him first.

At the end of the day, you should never put up with a relationship that makes you feel bad about yourself, or worse, makes you feel like running away from your own life. 

You deserve to be loved, remember that!