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You probably don’t want to read this article.
You’re probably thinking that another article about dealing with an ex is not something you need right now, especially if your new boyfriend is still hurt by his ex.
But trust us on this one: reading this article will help you deal with the situation and even make it easier for your new boyfriend to get over her.
If you’re currently dating someone who was previously hurt by his ex, there are 10 ways to deal with this and help you reduce the risk of unhelpful emotions like jealousy and instability from rearing their ugly heads again.
Keep reading to learn more!
1) Take the focus off him
We’re sure that you want to support your boyfriend in his attempts to get over this girl, but don’t forget that the most important thing is that he gets over her.
It’s possible that you feel like you need to help him deal with his ex because she hurt him, but if he starts thinking about her a lot then it could become too much for him.
For example:
- Try taking the focus off him by asking him about his hobbies and interests.
- Discuss a great book or film you both watched recently.
- Plan a trip to a destination that you both want to explore.
I once had a friend who was with a guy for a few months, and before they got together he had been dating an ex for about 4 years.
Occasionally she would text him to ask how he was doing, and this would make him really upset.
He would pour his heart out to my friend, but all she’d do is say things like “Don’t worry, I’m sure she meant it in a nice way” and try to take the focus off him by talking about the film they’d watched.
Eventually his ex found another guy, and all of a sudden these texts stopped coming.
I think this was a great example of how to take the focus off him and not make him think about her too much.
2) Don’t be afraid to talk about how you feel
There are times when your boyfriend is going to want to talk about his ex, whether it be because he’s feeling a bit angry or hurt, or just because he wants to make comments about his past relationship.
If your boyfriend wants to talk about it and you feel uncomfortable listening to him, then at least let him know how you feel.
For example: “I’d rather not talk about your ex right now”.
This will make him stop and think about what you’re saying, and then he may change his mind. Or he might not, but at least it’s something to work with.
But if you find that your boyfriend keeps wanting to talk about his ex, then tell him outright that it’s really hurting you and that you need a break from this topic for a while.
3) Don’t be afraid to set some boundaries
If your boyfriend is still trying to maintain a friendship with his ex or if he’s hung out with her and other friends since the breakup, let him know that those things make you uncomfortable.
You might not be able to completely cut those people out of his life but you can let him know that those things make you feel uncomfortable.
Just because he broke up with his ex doesn’t mean that he has to cut all ties with her.
In fact, it’s not uncommon for exes to remain friends after a breakup.
But if you feel uncomfortable with that, let him know.
Make sure he understands that while you want him to be happy, you don’t want him to be happy with her.
It’s also important to note that you don’t have to be the one who always sets the boundaries.
If you feel that your boyfriend is making a mistake, then let him know.
But don’t feel like you have to do all of the setting of these boundaries, or else you may end up feeling guilty or resentful, which will only make things worse.
Make sure he also knows what boundaries he should be setting himself.
4) Don’t try to tell him how he should feel
We know that it might be tempting to tell him how he should feel or how he’s thinking too much about his ex.
Fact: You are probably going to get it wrong.
Your boyfriend might have been hurt by his ex, but that doesn’t mean he wants to talk about it all the time.
In fact, he might feel like he’s not allowed to talk about her at all because she hurt him really badly and has poisoned his mind against her for good.
Instead of trying to tell him what he should think or feel, just let him do his own thing and talk about it when he feels like it.
5) Don’t be overly critical
It’s important that your boyfriend feels like he can trust you, so don’t be overly critical of his past relationship.
If you’re too critical, he might feel like you’re judging him for being in a bad relationship, and this could make him think that he can’t trust you at all.
Also, being overly critical about his ex’s flaws could make him feel that can’t be trusted.
Instead:
Try to look at the positives and try to help him see things from a different perspective.
For example, if he talks about how stuck up his ex was and how she was always going on about how much money she makes, the best approach is to try and put it into perspective for him.
You could say “That sounds like a real issue for her, but I bet it has nothing to do with you.” or “I’m sure she can’t help this; her attitude is probably a result of unresolved family issues.”
6) Don’t try to convince him that you’re the one for him
We know that you’re probably happy and excited by the relationship, but don’t rush to tell him how you feel.
He’ll figure it out soon enough, and if you don’t hold back then he might feel like he can’t rely on you.
Instead:
Keep things casual. You could say something like “I really like spending time with you” and if he asks why it’s because “you’re really nice” or “you’re a good listener”.
You wouldn’t want this guy to start seeing you as someone who’s trying to force the feelings on him.
On the other hand, if he hasn’t told you how he feels yet, don’t worry too much.
He might just still be having a hard time expressing himself, but this doesn’t mean that he’s not interested in you.
7) Set boundaries and don’t vomit your feelings out
We’re sure that your new boyfriend has already told you how much he regrets his ex.
You probably want to show him that you understand and are supportive, but you need to be careful about vomiting your emotions out too.
You might think that it will help him feel better in the short term, but if you do this repeatedly, it will hurt his feelings and make him feel like he can’t trust you.
Why is that?
It’s because he might start to feel that you don’t really care about him and instead just want another opportunity to tell him all about what he did wrong with his last relationship.
Instead:
Be supportive and positive without focusing solely on your boyfriend’s ex.
For example, you could say something like “I’m sorry she dumped you” or “I really hope things will work out between you two one day”.
8) Don’t play the victim
It’s tempting to play the victim when you deal with an ex.
For example, she might have been the one to break up with him, and it was probably a painful experience that he doesn’t want to relive.
But doing this won’t help your relationship in the long run and will just make your boyfriend feel like you’re not worth it.
If you keep on playing the victim, he might start to wonder whether you’re with him or just using him as a rebound.
Instead:
Try to understand how difficult it is for your boyfriend to talk about his ex.
This can be challenging because ultimately his ex is the one who hurt him before but try to develop sympathy for how difficult the situation is for him.
9) Don’t make it all about you!
Even though I said above that you shouldn’t be afraid to talk about how you feel. But in some cases, you should be more understanding.
I know having a boyfriend that is still hurt by his ex is so painful for you, but try to get him to talk about it.
We all like to think that we are selflessly giving so that we don’t upset our boyfriend, but sometimes this isn’t the case!
Your boyfriend may want to talk about it because he’s in pain, and he’s asking for your support, so don’t push him away.
Try to understand that the best way to help him is to listen and be supportive.
If you push him away, he’s not going to feel like he can talk to you, and this will make things even harder in the long-run.
Don’t try to fill every silence with “I know how you feel!” or “I’ve been through similar things.” Instead, ask him lots of questions and be a good listener.
10) Give him enough time to grieve but don’t wait too long
I have written this post because I know it’s going to be hard for you to hold back your feelings.
After all, you love this guy and you want him to feel better.
But don’t wait too long, especially if things are progressing too quickly.
You don’t want to be dating this guy and then he starts talking about his ex again or if you see her or her friends around him a lot.
If you feel like you need to break up with him, then do it. Don’t wait too long.
I know that this is going to hurt him, but he has to know you’re serious.
You don’t want to sit around and wait, constantly worrying that he’s going to get back together with her and that if this happened again you’d be stuck in limbo forever. That’s not how relationships work!
Let him know
He might be grieving the loss of a past relationship but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have room for a future with you.
He might be holding on to the past but don’t let that stop him from the future he deserves.
You see, for guys, it’s all about triggering their inner hero.
I learned about this from the hero instinct. Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, this fascinating concept is about what really drives men in relationships, which is ingrained in their DNA.
And it’s something most women don’t know anything about.
Once triggered, these drivers make men into the heroes of their own lives. They feel better, love harder, and commit stronger when they find someone who knows how to trigger it.
Now, you may be wondering why it’s called “the hero instinct”? Do guys really need to feel like superheroes to commit to a woman?
Not at all. Forget about Marvel. You won’t need to play the damsel in distress or buy your man a cape.
The easiest thing to do is to check out James Bauer’s excellent free video here. He shares some easy tips to get you started, such as sending him a 12-word text that will trigger his hero instinct right away.
Because that’s the beauty of the hero instinct.
It’s only a matter of knowing the right things to say to make him realize that he wants you and only you.
