“He doesn’t want me but he won’t leave me alone” – 10 tips if this is you

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We all know that feeling: 

You’re in a relationship with someone who really doesn’t want to be with you. But for some reason, he won’t leave and it’s driving you crazy. 

Then keep reading because we have some tips to help you through it.

1) Establish boundaries both in person and over the phone 

The first tip is to establish some boundaries. Make a small number of rules that you expect him to follow. Then if he breaks those rules, that’s it! 

For example:

  • Don’t answer his calls if he’s always calling you and if he has something to say, then he can call when it’s an appropriate time
  • Ask him not to come to your house
  • Tell him that you don’t feel comfortable with him coming over to your place at night because you feel exposed there. He may choose to sleep at his place instead. You get a win either way.
  • If he wants to talk, agree on meeting in a public place like a coffee shop or something where you are more comfortable

This way you’ll feel more in control of the situation and you won’t feel as vulnerable if he’s won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.

2) Weigh the pros and cons of trying to make him change

The truth is:

He doesn’t want you but he won’t leave you alone.

So now the question is:

Is it worth trying to change him? 

This is a decision that only you can make. So weigh the pros and cons of trying to make him change or letting it go.

If you decide to try and make him change, keep in mind that it’s not always going to be easy. However, right now it may feel like an impossible task.

So if you decide to try, remember these things:

  • Doing this could put you in a very vulnerable position (I don’t mean physical vulnerability), but a mental one. You’ll have to make an effort to convince him that there is another way and while doing the talking he will probably be fed up with what you’re saying. That’s why you have to be confident in yourself 
  • It’s not easy! You’re going to be rejected, he’s not going to change, it may get very difficult. So make sure that you don’t let him push you into that corner. If the situation gets worse, it’s okay to leave. Trust me on this one 
  • You believe that he really doesn’t want you and so for low, consider your options before doing anything. You can either talk to him about it, give him some space or just let him go. 
  • If you decide to leave, make sure that you’re communicating with him about leaving in a positive way and make sure that he knows how much he means to you.

3) Build your support network

It’s very important that you build up a strong support network around yourself. That way if he does leave, it won’t be like the end of the world.

However, don’t start building this support network immediately! First, let things settle down and then start to develop them.

Your best resource is probably your friends and family members who have been through similar situations in the past. Talk to them about what you’re going through and get their advice.

Start discussions with your friends about this situation and ask them questions. What has worked for them? What hasn’t worked for them? Do they have any ideas about what to do?

This is a great way of finding out more that you can do in order to help the situation. And that way you’ll be able to make some good choices in the future when things happen again.

4) Be straight up and honest

Trust me, it’s going to be very hard for you to stay in this relationship because it’s not going to work out. However, don’t make things even tougher on yourself by trying to hide from that reality.

So the first thing you need to do is be honest with him and then be honest with yourself. Don’t try to hide things from him or pretend everything’s fine.

Just be upfront and tell him that you don’t see this relationship working out. That you feel like he really doesn’t want to be with you. 

Tell him exactly how you feel and let him know that nothing is going to change your mind about that unless he makes it work for himself.

Be very honest with yourself as well. Recognize the fact that he doesn’t want you and more importantly, why he doesn’t want you.

You need to ask yourself because it’s very important.

What can I do to make him want to be with me?

How can I get him to see that it’s not really a bad idea to be in a relationship with me? (this one is easy if you’re convinced that he should be in one with you)

5) Find out why he can’t leave you alone 

People are a lot more complicated than we like to think. I mean, not only do they have in them the fallible, human side. They also have a rather unique side that when it comes to relationships is often very hard to understand.

People break up and get back together for all sorts of reasons (not always the ones we think of and get confused about).

That’s why the next tip is to find out why he can’t leave you alone.

He probably has a good reason for that. A really good one that you may not have considered before. So here are some possible reasons why he doesn’t want you but he won’t leave you alone:

  • He has some issues about commitment or relationships in general
  • There’s something going on with him that he hasn’t told you about
  • He feels that you’ll be better for each other now or in the future or he feels like you can prove to him that things will work out better if he stays with you for a little longer.
  • You have his kids and he doesn’t want to lose them
  • He doesn’t like the idea of being alone
  • He doesn’t know how he feels about you 

Your job is to find out why he can’t leave you alone and then try to figure out what you can do about it. Ask him, talk to his friends, and look for any possible signs of why he’s doing this. If he’s not answering any of your questions, then use your imagination.

6) Maintain your dignity and security

Keeping your dignity and security is very important.

But the hard part is knowing what to do about this situation when things start getting worse for you.

You need to deal with this in a very graceful manner that doesn’t make him feel like he’s losing out on something. 

So don’t give up too easily and don’t take it personally if he won’t listen to you. It’s not your fault – it’s his. He doesn’t want you, so don’t let him make you feel bad or rejected.

There will be times when he does talk to you and be more active. These are usually moments when he’s feeling very insecure about what’s going on with him.

This is a good thing because it shows that he cares and wants to do something about it. 

Hopefully, at this stage, he’ll have a better idea of what to do about you and your situation. This is also a great time for you to start doing positive things for him so that this will help him feel better and less insecure.

7) Consider a no-contact policy

A no-contact rule is another way to deal with the situation.

This is when you tell him that you won’t speak to him for a pre-determined amount of time (it can be from a few days to several months). This helps him in two ways:

  • It makes things very clear for him and makes it very obvious that you mean what you say about leaving him.
  • It gives him the time to think about his situation so he can solve it on his own. And so that he can have a clear picture of what he wants to do about the two of you.

Basically, the no-contact rule is a way for you to step back and allow him (and his ego) to feel like if he needs you, then he has to work harder for you.

8) Observe how he reacts to the silent treatment 

Once you have set up a no-contact rule, take a step back and observe your situation. Look at how he’s going to respond to you not talking to him as well as you not being around anymore.

Will he get rid of you or will he try and work it out? 

If things are getting worse but he’s still trying to be with you, then maybe this is a good time for the two of you to have an honest, long talk about how the relationship will work in the future.

Maybe he’s not ready to let you go. Or maybe he just needs more time to think things through (it doesn’t mean that he’s going to come back).

But if he’s not doing anything about you or the situation, then it means he probably doesn’t want to be with you or deal with the relationship.

And if this is the case, then you really need to think about moving on because if not, you’re going to end up getting hurt.

9) Make him work for your affection

This is one of the best ways you can make him want a relationship with you – by making him work for your affection.

If he’s not showing any interest in you and he won’t do anything about it, then find ways to make it more difficult for him. 

He’ll start chasing after you, especially if it was something he was already doing before.

Here are some ways you can make him work for your affection:

  • Cold shoulder him (stop talking to him for a few days every now and then)
  • Replace him with other people and things (find new hobbies and friends, get a new job) so that he realizes that you have something else to do. 
  • Don’t be available (don’t answer your phone or email) so that it’s impossible for him to get in touch with you.
  • Stay busy so it’s impossible for him to get some time with you.
  • Refuse to participate in any of his activities (don’t go watch movies or sports with him, don’t go on trips, etc.)
  • Don’t let him do things for you (don’t let him drive you around or help you with your car)

These are just a few ways you can make it difficult for him so that he starts feeling like he should be doing something about the two of you.

10) Stop blaming yourself for not being enough for him

The fact that he doesn’t want to have a relationship but he can’t leave you alone is his problem. It’s not your fault – it’s his.

It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you or that you have to do anything differently. 

So don’t start blaming yourself or thinking that you’re not enough for him. It’s not your fault. It’s his. He’s the one who doesn’t want to be with you – don’t start judging yourself for it.

Instead, move on and focus your energy on the relationship you do want.

Final thoughts

Hopefully, after reading these 10 tips for dealing with a guy who doesn’t want you but can’t leave you alone, it’ll help you come up with a better solution to this specific situation. 

The key is to find out why he’s doing this and then work around it so you can get the outcome that you actually want.

But most importantly, let him know that he can’t treat you this way, or else he’ll have a difficult time trying to get closer to you again. 

Once you’ve done this, you might be able to get back together again because obviously, he doesn’t want to lose you anymore.

Now it’s time for you to start getting the relationship that you want!