When someone hurts you, it’s natural to want them to know how much they hurt you and apologize for their actions.
But what if he doesn’t?
What if he doesn’t appear to be sorry for hurting you, or doesn’t seem willing to extend that olive branch of peace?
Will your relationship survive?
The answer is yes — as long as you don’t continue investing your time and energy in someone who has demonstrated that they don’t see you as a person worthy of respect.
Here are some signs he is not sorry for hurting you and also some signs that he doesn’t respect you and it’s better for you if you move on.
1. He says he’s sorry but doesn’t mean it.
He says he’s sorry but doesn’t take real responsibility for what he did or demonstrate that he really understands how his actions affected you.
Instead, he makes excuses, minimizes the incident, or puts the blame on you.
For example, if he’s been emotionally distant, he might say “I’m sorry” but then blame his behavior on the fact that he was working too hard and it made him unhappy.
If he’s been abusive or outright mean, he may say “I’m sorry” but then immediately counter with “but you deserved it.” At the same time, he may also be asking you to forgive him.
However, his words and actions contradict each other. He’s not being honest, and his lack of sincerity will eventually make you doubt the sincerity of his apology.
That’s a huge red flag that something else is going on.
2. He stops just short of saying it.
When you politely ask him to apologize, he says “I’m sorry” but then can’t bring himself to say the words “I’m sorry I hurt you,” or he says it in a way that implies that you are still at fault.
For example, he might say “I don’t know what I did. I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t really mean it and is only saying it because you asked him to apologize.
He’s not actually taking responsibility for his actions, so it’s a pretty hollow ‘apology.’
3. He plays the blame game.
If he says you’re the one who hurt him, made him angry, or otherwise contributed to the problem, it shows that he doesn’t see you as a person worthy of respect and thinks you’re responsible for his behavior.
For instance, he’ll say, “It’s your fault I’m in this mood. If you hadn’t…”.
If he goes on to similarly blame you for any other issues in the relationship, it’s a clear sign that his apologies aren’t sincere.
4. He doesn’t truly care how you really feel
This is one of the clearest signs that he is not sorry for hurting you.
If you tell him how you really feel and he doesn’t seem to care, it shows that he doesn’t value your feelings and sees you as nothing more than an object or a tool rather than a person he has hurt.
He doesn’t try to understand what you’re feeling or why.
Further, he refuses to acknowledge that you have a right to feel the way you do — not only now but also in the future.
The bottom line is this:
It is obvious when someone hurts you deeply, their first instinct is to feel terrible and to immediately make sure that you’re okay. They won’t make excuses. They will understand that their actions hurt and they will sincerely apologize.
But the person who is not sorry for hurting you may say something like, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” And then he may follow up with, “But I did it because…”
This is significant.
Because he is simply making excuses and rationalizing what he did, he is clearly not sorry.
This quote from Cathy Burnham Martin explains what a sincere and true apology is:
“Apologies require taking full responsibility. No half-truths, no partial admissions, no rationalizations, no finger-pointing, and no justifications belong in any apology.”
5. He doesn’t understand what he did wrong.
The person who is not sorry for hurting you will argue with you over whether he did anything wrong.
He’ll say things like, “I don’t know why that bothers you” or “I don’t see why it’s a big deal.”
He lacks the level of self-awareness that is necessary to become a better, more caring person and may not ever reach it if he continues to treat people this way.
You can’t change him. If he is clearly not sorry for hurting you, then it’s time to walk away.
6. He seeks to control your behavior when he hurts you, instead of apologizing.
He fails to recognize how his actions impact you, and he doesn’t show any signs of understanding or caring about how you feel and what you want.
Instead, he attempts to manipulate your feelings and seeks to control you so he is never hurt by your words or actions.
If you’re upset, he will disregard your feelings because “you’re too sensitive”.
He makes it out that you’re the weak one for getting, and it has nothing to do with him.
He may even begin to criticize you until you apologize for your behavior and change the way you respond to him.
This is a clear sign that he is trying to control you. He doesn’t want to take responsibility for the way he has hurt you.
He’s in denial and thinks that his behavior is justified.
The truth is this:
If your partner is not sorry for hurting you, it’s a pretty good indication that he never will be.
Once you realize that, it’s time to let go of the past and find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve.
7. He seeks to justify his behavior.
If he’s hurt you or behaved badly, he’ll try to justify what he did or place the blame on you for some reason.
For example, instead of apologizing for leaving you when you were upset about something, he might say something like, “That’s not fair. What I did was reasonable given the circumstances.”
Or he’ll say things like, “Sure, I hurt your feelings, but you were being unreasonable,” or “There’s no reason to be upset because it doesn’t make sense.”
This is a sign that he doesn’t really understand the impact his actions had on you and doesn’t care enough to want to make things better.
8. He lacks empathy.
When you’re hurting, the person who is not sorry for hurting you will tell you there’s nothing to cry about, or will say that if you stop being so weak, he wouldn’t hurt your feelings.
He may even tell you that your reaction is a sign of weakness or mental instability.
He does not see the human side of interacting with others and believes that the best way to handle a situation is to overpower it or overcome it in some manner.
This is not the kind of boyfriend you want to have. A boyfriend is meant to be your best friend, someone you can always count on and feel safe with.
The person who is not sorry for hurting you doesn’t feel or express any empathy or understanding.
He will either say that he has no idea what you’re talking about, or that it’s all your fault.
9. He doesn’t offer realistic solutions.
When someone hurts you, it’s common for them to offer a way to make things better as a means of apology or to show that they’re sorry for their actions.
The person who is not sorry for hurting you may suggest ways in which you can change your behavior or compromise in some way, but they lack the empathy and insight necessary to actually help you heal.
Additionally, your pain is not his problem.
He doesn’t even try to make you feel better. Usually, when a man hurts someone they like they at least try to make them feel better. But if your man is not sorry for hurting you, he’s likely to just leave you in pain and never make an attempt to help you get over it.
10. He doesn’t validate your emotions.
If someone hurts you, you’re usually very upset about it — and rightfully so! Your partner should initially accept that he hurt you by validating your feelings.
The person who is not sorry for hurting you doesn’t validate your emotions or accept the fact that they’ve hurt you. He may say that the feelings you’re expressing are either invalid or overblown.
He will try to explain away your feelings as unrealistic, invalid, or exaggerated.
He’s in denial and thinks that his behavior is justified.
11. He avoids accountability.
When someone has done something wrong to you, it’s common for them to be sorry and recognize their part in what happened and express remorse for the hurt they’ve caused you.
Through his actions, the person who is not sorry for hurting you will try hard to avoid taking any responsibility for his behavior.
Due to his ego, he’ll probably be defensive about what he did and want to rationalize it instead of seeing how his behavior has impacted you.
12. He tells you that the past is behind you.
The person who is not sorry for hurting you believes that the past is irrevocably behind them and that there’s no point in looking back or dwelling on their mistakes.
They see their negative patterns of behavior as a way of learning from the past and moving forward, but you see them for what they are: a pattern of behavior that reflects a larger problem.
The truth is:
A man that lacks complete empathy when they hurt someone else is usually narcissistic or evil. They are not sorry for hurting others because they don’t feel a need to be sorry.
They may get angry at you over your reaction if you have the audacity to express that you’re hurt or upset by their actions.
They may claim that they are a great person and no one else will accept them, or they might try to take control of the situation, become defensive, and blame others for what happened.
13. He treats you like an object.
When someone hurts you, they may take a step back and tell you that they’re not going to hurt you again.
While this suggests care and respect for your feelings, it also indicates a lack of understanding about the depth of pain that was felt by the person who hurt you and a lack of compassion for them.
Because they objectify you, they see you as an “it” and not a “you.” This is a bad sign that your future with them will be a very shallow and uncaring one.
Perhaps he only likes you for the sexual, or he is just using you to get you to do things for him.
A strong relationship needs to be a balanced relationship with equal give and take.
While it may seem as though your man is being respectful when he says he won’t do it again, if he doesn’t actually emphasize with your feelings, or even really care about them, then he obviously not sorry for hurting you.
He just sees you as an object that he can use or discard at his whim.
14. He’s cruel to you.
When someone has deeply hurt you, they should try to be sympathetic and kind to you when they offer an apology.
Otherwise, the person who is not sorry for hurting you will be very cruel in the way they speak to you. They may tell you that your emotions are irrational or ask why you have the audacity to feel anything at all.
They may even tell you that if you were a better mate, they wouldn’t hurt your feelings.
The longer the person does this, the worse it will be for you in the long run.
15. He has negative patterns of behavior.
If he has displayed uncaring actions before, especially to you and other people close to him, then it’s likely he has never learned and he just doesn’t really care. If he has hurt others and not been sorry for it, then he is likely to continue doing so in your relationship.
This is a warning sign that you are in with someone who has an unhealthy pattern of behavior, and if this isn’t discussed, then you will likely be hurt again.
The person that is not sorry for hurting others doesn’t see people’s feelings as important or hurtful.
What can you do if he is not sorry for hurting you? If your partner is not sorry for hurting you, it can be very difficult to know where to go from here.
As a result, you might be tempted to try to reason with him or force him into making amends for his behavior. You might want to spend your time trying to prove them wrong, or try and convince them that what they did was not okay.
Trying these things will only cause you more pain and may even make things worse in the long run.
If you think this was just a one-off, then maybe you can give him a chance to be sorry for his behavior.
But if you’re sure that he’s done this before, and he doesn’t seem to be sorry for his actions, then it’s likely that you need to find a new partner that is not afraid of showing the depth of emotion in their relationship with others.
Maintaining a strong relationship with another person requires open and honest communication between the two individuals.
When someone is not sorry for hurting you, this can be very difficult to have with them.
They will probably say that they’re sorry, but it may fall on deaf ears if you’re not willing to listen and accept them actually being sorry.
If you know that your man is not sorry for hurting you and he doesn’t seem to care about what happened and you are in a relationship with him, it is important for you to make some changes so that another relationship won’t end up like this again.